💙💙💙Blue💙💙💙💙💙💙April💙💙Child Abuse Prevention month💙💙💙💙💙💙💙
Can’t stop thinking about my mother.
I really wish our current situation were better.
I have not seen or chatted with my mother in over a year, maybe longer.
My choice not hers.
In order for me to heal I had to isolate myself from the ones that was causing me pain and hindering my progress.
I started with my children.
This was by far the hardest thing that I have done in my entire life.
My children is my kryptonite.
However, I had to put myself in a box on the shelf in order to gain strength.
I have six grown young ladies ranging from 20 to 33 and a son.
He will be 15 this year on his birthday.
My son has been adopted.
I messed up.
At time in my life, I was making a lot of bad decisions.
I can admit that now.
At that moment in TIME, I thought I was doing the right thing.
I have always been a survivor.
I was surviving in the wrong direction.
It wasn’t because I had lack of resources, positive influences or supporters.
I had all of that.
The problem was every person in my life was enablers.
Every person in my life at that time in my life would look past my flaws, my shortcomings and reward my bad behavior.
Both family and friends.
Even people that I would briefly converse with.
I love all of these people.
All have played a major part in my life.
Even though I am bringing all of this to light, does not mean I am bitter or angry.
Actually the complete opposite
Because of these people, I will someday be able to successfully support others.
I will be sort of a one shop help center in human body.
If that makes sense.
This blog is dedicated to my forever friends.
My alpha- Gracie Friday
First person to show me how to raise a good family – Ramona Way
Showed me a good life beyond the streetz- Bernard Conaway
Believed in me when no one else did – Mr. Lawrence Bracey and my Grandmom
RIP ( all are sleeping with the angels)😭🙏 YOU ALL ARE THE REASON WHY MY SOUL WONT QUIT.
You didn’t give up on me why should I?
It’s not a option.
Lastly, is my Omega- My son
This is actually his middle name.
Who knew that I would be using it in a blog later. Lol.
My son has never given up on me.
In fact, the state had to lie to him about my existence to make him stable enough for adoption. Crazy but true.
I will say no more…..
It’s all in my book to be release later this summer.
My son is the first element on my dream board.
No matter where I am in my studio apartment, I can see my Dream.
I just want to add, I was in prison when I created this board.
And yes, I received my High School diploma along with a few other certifications while I was behind the walls.
I am not ashamed of my life.
Nor am I sorry for the way my life turned out.
I made the decisions to do wrong and I paid the price.
However, I deeply and sincerely apologize to the people who were victimized by my selfishness. For that I wish I could take back. But I can’t.
I know it does not make it better, but that’s why I volunteer and pay it forward when I can. My heart is still vexed by my bad decisions. So, until God takes me home, I will continue to do what I do to give back. This is for my selfish acts.
My Dream is to met my son again.
My Dream is to continue my education in pursuit of a PhD.
My Dream is to meet Daymond Johns.
My Dream is to one day to be able to control my mental health symptoms forever.
My Dream is to have my family back again.
My Dream is to become a legend for my son and daughters. I don’t want to just be the mother that failed. Just good for prison. Nope not me. Not Shawntell!
My vision board is quite more than I explained…..Just keeping it simple for you.
It’s moments like this that I miss my mother.
It’s hard being the only child.
Sole survivor out of six.
That’s another story.
I am the only one to live past the age of two. But not without complications though.
In a sense I died too.
Not treading there……..
This is about my dream.
I am trying to stay focused….it’s hard
My mind always want to go in other directions.
As promised, giving you the good and bad.
Not watered down.
As I perceive it at that moment.
My Dream is also to be able to concentrate and focus on a single task or moment.
I’m done my body wants to get up now. Good nite…….